My Story

I've been putting off writing this, because it involves a lot of memories that I would just as soon forget, and things I hate to admit. But I feel that I need to write it, so here goes. (If you just want to read the pregnancy part, just scroll down to the break)

To most of you, it's no secret that we've been waiting years to have another baby. That seems like an understatement. We wanted our kids to be about 2 years apart, so we started trying again when Sam turned one (just to give you an idea, that mean around June 2009. I'll admit, even though it took us about a year and a half to get pregnant with Sam, I thought that it would happen right away this time. Months came and went, and nothing happened. Sam's second birthday rolled around, and I still wasn't even pregnant. So much for 2 years apart. I tried staying positive. After all, didn't the timing with Sam show that God knew what he was doing? And it was ok. I was close to my siblings, and most of them were more than 2 years apart from me. After about a year and a half or trying (January 2011), I found out I was pregnant. I miscarried soon after. I think I was kind of expecting it to happen, I don't really know why. But I kept my spirits high, pretty much the complete opposite of my first miscarriage, when I absolutely fell apart. In my mind, I was thinking this was just my pattern. I try for over a year to get pregnant, have a miscarriage, and 6 months later, I get pregnant again, this time, successful. So that's what I was expecting. This did not happen. And I feel bad admitting that this next part actually happened.

One of the things about coming from a large family is the sheer number of babies popping up everywhere.
Normally, this is a good thing, but in my situation, it was one of the worst things in my life. This was also the time when Facebook became popular. With our first ordeal of trying to get pregnant, it wasn't near as hard. All the friends I had lost touch with were having babies, but I was oblivious to it. The only time other people's pregnancies got me down was when someone nearby was having a baby, or a family member announcing it. With Facebook, you find out about every single person. That was pretty rough. You would think that it wouldn't matter so much that people I haven't seen in years are having babies, but it did. So I'm sitting back, crying every time another friend or cousin or sibling announces they are adding to their family.  At one point, I counted about 50 friends/family members on Facebook that were either pregnant or had a baby within the last few months. During this time, one of my cousins had gotten married. Right from the start for them, they had a hard time getting pregnant. It sounds horrible, but somehow, it didn't make me feel as bad knowing that someone else was going through the same thing I was. There were other people I knew that were having the same struggles, but not really anyone really close to me. If you look at the people in my family, there doesn't seem to be many issues with fertility, if you know what I mean. Lots of babies, very close together. So every time I heard of another pregnancy, I got depressed, but I could think, at least I'm not the only one struggling. At least someone else isn't getting what they want. It sounds bad, but that's what I was thinking. So you can imagine how hard it hit me when, about 6 months after my miscarriage, right about the time, in my mind, that I should be getting pregnant, my cousin announced that they were finally having a baby. They had been trying
for 18 months, and it was finally happening for them. I was devastated. I was at my parent's house at the time (I think it was right after my brother's wedding, so there was a lot of family around), and I remember reading her blog, just sobbing and bawling my eyes out. I don't think I made a very good first impression with my new sister-in-law :) Luckily, there were a lot of priesthood holders around, so a blessing helped tremendously, but I was pretty depressed for a while. It's ok. I got over it, and eventually, I was very happy for them, glad that they didn't have to go through all the suffering any more.

Here's another thing I feel bad about. Not a lot of people, at least in my family, had ever had a miscarriage, or any problems at all when it came to pregnancy. Sometimes people were a bit insensitive about it. And I'm not saying they meant to be, they just didn't know. And I can fully understand that. Before my miscarriages, I had no idea the impact it could have. I remember shortly after my first miscarriage, being at a family member's house for a birthday, and so unexpectedly, they announced they were pregnant. I know that she didn't mean to make me feel the way I did, and I know if she would have known how horrible it would have been for me, she wouldn't have done it then. But at the time, it was really hard. I did my best until the end of the evening, when I could be alone and cry and pity myself. So when I heard of others having miscarriages, I thought, at least they know now. Please do not misunderstand me. I do not wish a miscarriage on anyone. It's a horrible experience to go through and I wish no one ever had to go through that pain. No matter how far along you are, that baby is just as much a baby as if you were holding them in your arms, and when you lose it, you're losing a part of yourself. I felt awful anytime I heard of someone losing a baby, especially if it was someone close to me. I would cry along with them. But I think it just goes with the same thing as having someone there that can suffer with you.

It took some time, but eventually, I got over myself. There was some night, I don't even remember when, that I was feeling sorry for myself that things weren't going the way I wanted. All of a sudden, I had the thought, what's wrong with the life you have? And I started thinking of all the great things that I have. I have a great, understanding husband who puts up with all my emotions. I have an amazing son (everyone tells me so :) ) that does what he's told (mostly), actually asks for more vegetables, and he's just the greatest kid ever. I'm close to family, and since I've been able to be a stay-at-home mom, I can go home pretty much whenever I want. The list went on and on. After that, I was much better. True, I didn't have everything I wanted, but everything I had was pretty great. I'm not saying it was perfect from that time on. I still struggled quite a bit. It was still a sad time when I heard of someone else having a baby, but it wasn't devastating for me.

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Then there came a time in the not-so-distant past. I must have gotten too caught up in all the good things in my life. I was really doubting whether I wanted another one, and whether I was supposed to have another one. After 3 years, it was seeming unlikely. We always felt guilty that Sam didn't have a built-in playmate, that he may not have the closeness to siblings that we do. And even if we were to get pregnant right then, would there be too many years between them, and would we end up in the same boat in another 5 years, feeling guilty that the next child would pretty much be an only child? At this point, I still wanted another one, but I was perfectly happy with the way things were. For the first time in years, I wasn't crying when I heard of another friend or family member having a baby. I was actually happy for them. But as each month passed, there was a little less and less desire. And then, at the end of October, as I was smiling, watching Sam chasing Charlie around the lawn in his Angry Birds costume, I thought, our family is great just the way it is. We had been trying for 3 1/2 years, and I was done. And I was ok. I found out I was pregnant a month later. So those people that tell you that the best way to get pregnant is to quit trying, I guess it's true, although I don't know how you can really quit trying when you are actually still trying. I don't know.

Before I found out, I had been sick for a couple days. And I just wanted to take some cold medicine. But, as always, there was the little nagging in the back of my head saying, "What if you're pregnant? You're not supposed to take that stuff when you're pregnant!" But I ignored it. There's no way I'm pregnant! So I guzzled the cold medicine and felt much better. After a few days, there was no ignoring that I was late. I still denied it. It was just a fluke. Then another thought, "But if you take the test now and see that it's negative, you can take more medicine without worrying :)" So I did. And seriously, 10 seconds passed before two pink lines showed up. Clearly, the test was defective. There was no way it could work that fast. So I waited another day and took another one. Same story. Well, the tests had been bought at the same time at the same place. It must be a faulty batch. I think this is about the time I told Charlie. And even through the excitement, I made sure to tell him that the tests were probably faulty. So we bought more tests, a different brand from a different store. And I took the test. Same story. It was getting harder to deny that I was, in fact, pregnant.

You can imagine the inner struggle I was going through. Don't get me wrong, I was happy I was pregnant, but I had just decided I was happy with the way things were. As always, I was paranoid about a miscarriage. But even if I miscarried, I would be ok. I was happy the way things were, right? One day, over Christmas break, I started spotting. That's when I found out that I would not be ok with a miscarriage. I broke down. Don't worry, everything turned out to be fine, but it's probably just what I needed.

These first months have not been easy. It started out with a horrible sickness which seemed to last forever. Luckily I was at my parent's house at that time, so I was able to rest while they entertained Sam. It got bad enough that I ended up going to the emergency room because things just did not feel right (that, and the fact that I was sure I had caused my baby harm from taking that cold medicine early on lol). I didn't know what was being caused by the pregnancy and what was from the sickness. I seem to catch every sickness that comes around, so I'm laid up in bed a lot. I didn't get a lot of morning sickness (lots of nausea) but I seem to get everything else. I've had the round ligament pain practically since day one (part of the reason for going to the emergency room. I didn't know what was causing the severe abdominal pain) and it's still going strong. I was told that at the end of the first trimester/beginning of the second, I would get some of my energy back and be able to get back to doing normal things (like playing with Sam and cleaning, which has really taken a back seat). All I can say is that I was lied to. I'm just barely getting to a point where I can start doing stuff again, and (knock on wood) this will be the 4th day in a row that I haven't had to lay down for at least 4 hours because of the pain (woohoo!). It doesn't sound like much, but before now, I haven't been able to do that for more than a day. I still have to take a break every half hour or so, but after resting for 10 minutes, I'm usually good to go. I think I've gotten more done in the past few days than I have in the past month :) So hopefully things are starting to turn around.

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From the beginning, we have all wanted this baby to be a boy. Sam was even telling people that he was going to have a new baby brother. But, my mom was convinced it would be a girl, Charlie had feelings it would be a girl, and even I had had thoughts that we were having a girl. This terrified me. I don't want to have a girl. Even though I am one, I have no idea how to handle one. I wasn't a typical girl. I didn't care about my looks, I was happy with the way I looked, I really had no interest in boys until my very late teens, and I never had that drama that seems to come with teenage girls (well, there was that one time, but that's a different story). I never had an awkward phase. My teeth were perfectly aligned, and by the time I needed glasses, they had come out with small frames, as well as contacts. I was a good girl. I don't know how to deal with girls! I'm not exaggerating when I say I was TERRIFIED of having a girls. I was having nightmares about it. Charlie had said that the reason Sam was a boy was because of positive thinking. Every time he mentioned the baby, he would make sure to address it as "he." So I took on that tactic. Any time I talked

about the baby, it was a "he." Any time Charlie would accidentally say "she," I would immediately correct him. Yet still, I had this nagging feeling that it was a girl. So I was pretty anxious when the day came that we were to find out the gender. I'm not sure if Charlie even noticed how withdrawn I was that morning. It was the longest morning of my life! The appointment at 9:30 couldn't come fast enough. We eventually made it in there and got set up. The tech stuck the machine on my belly and went, "Woah! He's not shy, is he?" That was the first shot we had, showing he was a boy. I was so relieved, I was on the verge of tears. We were able to bring Sam along, so he got to see everything as well.

I'm finally starting to feel him move around, which is nice. It's nice to feel the movement and know he's still in there. Except the time I sneezed really hard and hurt myself, then I didn't feel him moving for 24 hours :) Even though he moves around throughout the day, he really gets active right around 11:45 pm, so I always have to wait for him to get comfy before I can go to sleep. I can imagine what it will be like when he really starts kicking.

Well, this turned out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be. I'll try and break it up a little and add a few pictures in as well :) Sorry for the length, but like I said, I felt that I needed to write it, even if I didn't want to :)